Thursday, March 11, 2010

the longest post

I think alot of us are having problems with our lives right now.Hell we face it everyday.I think my problem is that I tend to over-think things.For example my exam marks,my surroundings,the future and many other mumble jumbled stuff that relates to my life.I don't know why,but I feel like I want to talk about it today.Blogging was never my choice in expressing what I feel because I prefer to talk.But now it seems as if this is the best way to express myself,because I can't talk to anybody.Not that I dont want to,but I just can't.So If you're reading this then prepare for a long post because I just need to let this out before it messes my head even more.
Firstly,sorry to hear Sarah Ahmad,about your break up.I know how tough it is and please,my dear just let it out in whatever way you can.Even though you're exhausted.Even though it's painful.I'm there for you,k babes?I hope you're reading this.
So of course alot of the things that I think alot of derives from Merbok.The place where I began a new chapter in my life.The place where I left my comfort zone to come here and achieve my goals to be a lawyer.God knows how difficult it is to get good grades.To make sure your parents smile when they hear your results.To know that you won't put your dad down because he expects alot from you.To know that you have to live your life here everyday sucking up for all your mistakes and bearing the consequences you get from it.I lknow if my sister reads this she'll tell me "Lin,it's just asasi.Don't go hard on yourself.I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT".Kak,things are not that easy for me as it was for you.Look at where you are now.I just can't deal with this pressure kak,that I have to be as good as you.You don't know how hard it is to deal with all these problems here.But,you were never the reason of why I am sad over here.Never.In fact the only person I think I can talk to when I'm alone is you.Not Syahirah,not Mea.NOBODY.Even though they are close to me.Even though I know I can tell Mea anything.But you know it's not the same.
Let's just cut to the chase.I think the cause of me overthinking about all these problems in my head came during this semester.The semester where I think bonds of friendship were broken,the semester where when I step into PL2G,it doesnt feel PL2G to me anymore.It feels like PL2_.I dont know what class to put,it doesnt exist.
I missed the PL2G when everybody were friends with everybody,we laughed and did alot of things together.Now look at us.One group there,the other one here.I don't see any function of me being in this class anymore.It's like me and Mea in our own world.Not that I mind,I love Mea dearly but at the same time I love you guys alot too.ALOT.You guys should know better.Everyday I wake up eager to go and see all of you.Yet,when I get there I see a bunch of people minding their own business.I miss the mingling moments.Those days where we'd just pull up our chairs and start talking.I know we still do it but it doesnt feel the same.I don't know about you but it feels like that.And at one point I felt that there was no point staying in this class anymore if we're going to treat each other like this.To one extent I actually THOUGHT about changing classes!But I dont want to.But I do.But I dont think I can.Because I love all of you.Because you are the reason why I want to go to class.Because I will miss the moments we had when we were in PL1G AND PL2G.And I can't do that to all of you.I can't.
Let's move on.The things that keep bugging me are my marks,grades and pointer.I mean I see it as a crucial part of the reason why I am here.Now let me tell you the truth.I always thought that BELS were going to be my advantage.But looking at this sem,I feel as if it is deteriorating me.I was known as the girl who got Band 5 for Muet.Can you imagine the shame if I got B's for my BEL subjects?It sounds stupid I know,but do you understand that I have to deal with this unnecessary pressure to maintain my marks?And when I failed my first law test I cried like hell.To think that I got low carry marks for that and that can actually effect my grades.There's nothing more that I want then to get an A for law.I dont really mind if its psychology or library but not law.It's the reason why we're all here for God's sake.I just want to tell my dad;"Pa,elin dapat A for law."I can imagine him smiling,I can imagine him telling me "Good girl."My dad sacrificed alot for me,is it so hard to repay him back?
It was him who told me I should take law.It was him who told me I need you to continue keeping up this company.Even if one day,both me and kakak take over,the name will still remain Razif Aziz and Partners.Not Katrina Razif,not Ellena Razif.I want people to know about my father.I want people to know his hardwork and the things he had done for other people.That's why this is so important to me.That's why I have to avoid screwing up.But avoiding it is the most difficult part.
Conclusion:I just want to be happy.Yet if you look at it,that is the most difficult thing to do.

Oh My God,I actually cried writing this.WTF,Ellena.So emo.

8 comments:

Ben said...

tsk,

cool babe. u r my idol u know?? myb bdak2 klas kite tu da knal byk psl 1 sme lain, y buruk pn dorg da nmpk. biasala tu. jgn r tukar klas, sunyi aku xde org nk bdbat nt... :(

pink ranger said...

haha takdelah aku tak boleh pun.malam ni mmg khas tuk jadi emo aku ingat.tetibe sedih an. :)

Ellina Dzulkarnain said...

i'm so damn inspired by this post and i actually feel like crying when i read it .
all the best !!

Nabil Comet Hanesher said...

its because u rarely go emo on blogposts (unlike aku) i give kudos for this. haha.

i think you can really trust me when i say that it IS tough to get good grades. yeah sure some people might seem to have it easy. but heck, it's hard work for most of us. u'll pull through. ekau doa banyak banyak, it works well that way.

c ya in 7 weeks time. my sem is starting again in 2 days!

pink ranger said...

ellina:hey thanks alot.hahaha i feel embarassed
sheren:hahaha tulah its like good theraphy.fcuk la i want to meet up! :((

aurevoir said...

ehem, dont worry, i still love u elin..haha3, malu3~~,

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